The Emotional Cost of Earning More
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Welcome to Mind Over Money, a weekly newsletter where I provide actionable ideas to help you transform your relationship with money to build financial confidence and independence.
Today's topic: When wealth feels like betrayal
I still remember the first time I crossed six figures.
After stalling at my previous job—doing the same work, learning nothing new—I finally made the leap. My mentor had pushed me: "You need to negotiate for six digits. You've earned it." He even walked me through the negotiation process, coaching me on what to say and how to say it.
When that offer letter finally arrived, I stared at the number for a long time. Six figures. I'd made it.
So I decided to treat myself. I wasn't much of a shopper, but I wanted something tangible. Something that told the world—and reminded me—I’d arrived. I bought my first designer handbag.
But something unexpected happened: The first time I carried it to dinner with old friends, instead of feeling proud, I felt physically sick.
I actually hid the bag under the table. When someone spotted it and commented, I found myself making excuses. "Oh, this thing? It was a gift," I lied, my cheeks burning.
A gift. As if I couldn't possibly have bought it myself. As if I didn't deserve it.
I sat there that night, listening to my friends talk about their struggles—rent increases, student loans, the usual money stress we'd all shared for years. And there I was, hiding a handbag that cost more than some of them made in a month.
The guilt was unbearable. Success didn’t feel like triumph. It felt like betrayal...as if I were abandoning the tribe.
It took me a while to realize: it was never about the handbag. It was about belonging. About the fear that financial success would push me out of the relationships that mattered most to me.
For many first-generation wealth builders, women in underrepresented industries, or anyone raised in tight-knit communities where money was scarce, financial success can feel like a social risk.
That moment marked a turning point. It wasn’t just guilt—it was a deeper emotional block we rarely name.
And that’s exactly what we’re unpacking today: The hidden emotional block known as Fear of Social Rejection, or the belief that “If I succeed financially, I’ll lose connection with the people I care about.”
When Wealth Feels Like A Wedge
This fear often lives in the background of our financial behavior. It whispers things like:
- “Don’t buy the nicer house—your friends will think you’re showing off.”
- “If I invest and it works, my siblings will expect me to bail them out.”
- “I can't talk about money wins—my parents worked way harder and had less.”
These internal narratives often lead to self-sabotage. People will:
- Downplay promotions or income growth
- Overextend themselves financially to help others
- Avoid wealth milestones (like investing or saving aggressively) to maintain “sameness”
This is especially true for those who grew up in environments where financial struggle was the norm—or where money meant power imbalances, judgment, or resentment.
At its root, this block isn’t about money. It’s about belonging.
Humans are wired to stay in the tribe. When it seems like wealth might push you out of the tribe—or make you a target of judgment or jealousy—your brain hits the brakes.
The good news is, you don’t have to choose between money and meaningful connection.
How to Grow Financially Without Losing Yourself (or Your People)
Here are five strategies to help you build wealth and stay rooted in your values:
1. Rewrite the Narrative: Wealth ≠ Rejection
Challenge the belief that financial success automatically leads to disconnection.
Ask: Who in my life supports my growth? Who would cheer me on, not judge me?
Then, build deeper ties with those people. Success becomes less lonely when you're around others who don’t see it as a betrayal—they see it as becoming more you.
2. Create Boundaries Around Financial Requests
If you fear being used or expected to fund others, you’re not alone.
That doesn’t make you cold. It makes you self-aware.
Practice compassionate boundary-setting:
“Right now, I’m focused on building financial stability. I’m not able to lend money, but I can help you brainstorm next steps.”
Boundaries protect your peace—and preserve your relationships long-term.
3. Normalize Financial Wins in Conversation
You don’t have to broadcast your net worth. But sharing small money wins with trusted friends helps rewire the fear that success = silence.
Try:
“I finally maxed out my 401(k) this year. Took me a while to work up to it, but it feels good.”
Your wins might inspire others to start their own journeys—and you give them permission to share, too.
4. Seek Out Growth-Oriented Communities
If your current circle isn’t supportive of financial progress, find one that is.
Whether it’s a mastermind, financial coaching group, or investment club, surround yourself with people who aren’t afraid of ambition—and who won’t shame you for building wealth on your terms.
5. Align Your Money With Your Mission
Reconnecting money with meaning is a powerful antidote to guilt.
Ask yourself: How can I use this wealth to support what I value most?
Whether it’s helping family on your own terms, donating to causes you love, or building generational stability—wealth doesn’t have to isolate. It can deepen your impact.
Final Thoughts
Real belonging doesn’t require sameness. It requires authenticity.
You don’t have to shrink your dreams or soften your light to stay loved. The people who matter—the ones who truly see you—won’t be pushed away by your growth. They’ll rise with you.
You’re allowed to be successful. You’re allowed to be wealthy.
Carry the bag. Own the win. Keep your heart open.
p.s. This is the 4th of an email series about 5 common emotional money blocks. In case you missed it, here are the previous three: